Genocide and Other Drinking Songs
by midnightluck
Summary: The problem with sugarvine? If you leave it alone long enough, it ferments. Razer finds this out by accident, Kilowog gets drunk on purpose, and Hal is mostly just a disgusting human being.


_______All recognizable characters belong to their respective owners (Cartoon Network, Leslie Fish). For a prompt on the GLanon_Meme._

_______Set post 1x08: "Fear Itself"  
_

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The problem with sugarvine is that if you leave it alone long enough, it ferments. They learned this when Razer went to eat lunch and ceased to be able to walk a straight line. Hal spouted off something about cachaҫa and sugarcane, which absolutely no one listened to, and the plants didn't but barely affect him, which was so far beyond unfair that it was unfair.

Kilowag jumped at the chance, though, and Razer didn't much care at that point. At least the cactus stuff was putting a nice layer of static between him and the _rage_. So they sat at the table, peeling the plants and squeezing the juice out of them. Chewing worked better, but the texture was disgusting and taste was off-putting enough that they silently agreed to just go with squeezing.

Razer had an unfortunate headstart, but he seemed to be doing better than Kilowag, who apparently had a drinking problem in that only half the liquid actually made it into his mouth. "Tch," Razer couldn't help but comment. "Pathetic. Figures you'd drink as well as you eat."

"Hey! Wazzat supposed to mean?"

"Only that you have the table manners of a pig."

"Oh, what, now? You've got something against pigs, do ya?"

"No, but I'm fairly sure that they have something against you."

"Guys, guys," Hal said, coming in and snagging his own piece of sugarvine plant. "No fighting, remember?" He shoved a whole piece in his mouth, and the other two Lanterns looked on with a sense of horrified incredulity as he chewed and swallowed.

Razer looked away first. "That's disgusting," he said, mildly traumatized.

Kilowag snorted. "The other day, for dinner? He was eating rot. Just—rot."

Hal threw up his hands, one still holding the cactus-skin. "I told you, it's cheese!"

"Aya said it was rotten cattle piss," Kilowag informed Razer, who hadn't actually been there and was now throwing up a little in his mouth.

"And I thought our cafeteria was bad," Razer said, and the two of them stared at Hal. He stared back, then blinked, shrugged, grabbed another piece and left. Thankfully in that order, so they weren't subjected to the torture that was Hal's eating habits.

"Does he seriously not care what he puts in his body?" Razer inquired, and that set Kilowag off on a rant. He started with the unbelievable stuff that Hal had put in his mouth, and got sidetracked into all the other stupid shit the reckless pilot had gotten himself into and out of.

"I dun—I don't get it," Razer slurred after some time and much more sugarvine. "How are you even still alive?"

"Nah, thass nuthin'! Lemme tell you—this one time, he was—he did this thing with these rockets, and, and it was a thing, it was a _stupid _thing—"

"I'm starting to doubt he's ever done a smart thing—"

"—and he sunned around a slingshot!"

Razer frowned, then took another sip from his mostly empty glass. He looked at the cup contemplatively, then finally admitted, "I have no idea what you just said."

"No, you know—howzit _you're _still breathing?"

He blinked, and tried to focus on Kilowag. Both of him. "Whut?"

"Like, we caught you, and might have killed you, and then the jail, 'n they mighta killed you, an' then you went and went, like, home, 'n _they _almost killed you—is there anyone, any single person that doesn't actually even want to kill you?"

"Um. I dunno. ...Aya?"

"That's just sad, man."

"Nah, it's—it's life. Like, that's how it goes, right? You meet with the pe—with the people, and they get with the wanting to kill you, yeah? S'how it works. People want with the killing you and you want with the dying, and life is suffering is a bitch, right."

There was a moment of silence as Kilowag stared at him, then narrowed his eyes like he was trying to figure something out.

"...Right?" Razer asked, over-correcting for the ship's rotation by learning left. Very left.

Kilowag finally snorted, then shook his head. "You—you have _issues_. Seriously. If that's the way you see life? It explains so much."

And that's an insult if Razer had ever heard one. He blazed up. "Nuthin' wrong with me. I'm fine. You all, you're the weird ones, with your, your _compassion_ and your stupid, stupid _niceness_. It'll—it's stupid, and it'll get you all killed, and...and then where will I be?"

Kilowag stared at him even more. "You're some kind of screwy, you know."

Razer frowned at him, then grabbed for another piece of plant. It took him three tries, and much longer to juice the damn thing. "I know," he said, and looked so lost when he said it that Kilowag almost, _almost _felt a little tiny bit sorry for him. "But not as bad as you—you lot and your idiotic crusade of suicidal insanity," he finished.

Almost.

Kilowag scowled, tossing another piece of skin over his shoulder. "You're part of it now, too, y'know. You're like, like a red Green Lantern, except not."

"Oh," Razer slurred, "no need to get nasty."

"S'not—no. Stoppit. Being us is _awesome_. We're doing the good fight, or—or something. The thing, you know. We, uh. We're helping people. You blow up planets, so you don' get to say a word."

"Blew up a plant, didn't kill no one. You said."

"Yeah, only 'cause of me."

"Yeah," Razer said, and frowned at his cup. It needed to stop moving. "Did I say thanks? Cause, y'know, thanks."

Kilowag glared at him. Well, mostly at him. Okay, at a point somewhere over his head. "Didn't do it for you," he said accusingly, waving a broad hand around in a demonstrative motion. What exactly he thought he was demonstrating was unclear. "Did it for them."

"Yeah," Razer said, and sighed and slumped sideways. "S'just...thanks. Dun wanna do the—the genocide. Y'know?"

"Yeah," Kilowag echoed, then shot back his entire cup's-worth. He belched, and Razer frowned and made a disgusted pointed towards his general vicinity and laughed. "Your face is funny."

"Your _face—_" Razer started, then stopped, thought about it, and changed that stupid comeback to a devastatingly clever one instead. He pointed back towards Kilowag, and said with triumph, "Your _everything _is funny."

Kilowag seemed less than impressed. "Dun like you," he managed, but he was sliding down in his seat. "'M watchin' you, kay. Dun trust you."

"Yeah, yeah," Razer mumbled, and grabbed for yet another plant piece. He didn't quite manage. "Nobody likes me, waa waa, so sad, story of my life, okay."

But apparently Kilowag hadn't been done, and continued talking right over him. "But you're not—not bad, not really, dun think, so I'ma give you a chance," he said. "One chance, just 'cause...'cause Hal likes you."

"An' Aya," Razer felt compelled to add, because hey, if they were counting up friends—well, people who didn't hate him, he didn't want to leave out Aya. The others left her out often enough already.

"And Aya," Kilowag repeated. "Yeah, her, too. So. One chance, buddy, an', an' I'm watchin'."

"Fair," Razer sighed, and it was. It was fair, which was so much more than his life had been in a long time.

"Right," Kilowag said. "'S clear. We're clear. Goo—good. Gimme another plant of piece, yeah, and I know this drinking song from Argo..."

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...

_...the meme wanted drunk aliens, okay?  
_


End file.
